Graduation is in two weeks.
I am sitting at the new green space that my campus build a couple of weeks ago. The very impressive water feature is not only gorgeous to look at, but also to listen to.
I will miss this.
Not the tests, not the stress headaches, not the dreaded History of Civ classes. Not Theme 2, not getting my artist series dress approved, not the sketchy dining common ham. Not the mean girls, not the unanswered emails, not the crammed dorm room. Not the washer that last week that didn’t go through the spin cycle, not the demerits, not the early mornings.
I will miss the friends that I have made. I will miss learning. I will miss my professors and the encouragement that they have given me. I will miss chapel, I will miss my roommates, I will miss the beauty of campus in spring. I will miss Artist Series, I will miss my coworkers on campus. I will miss Heritage Bible Church, I will miss being independent and yet secure in my pseudo-adult state. I will miss my coffee shop, and my discipleship group. I will miss seeing so many people that I love multiple times a day.
Four years at a small Christian college has been so challenging. When I think back to freshman Abbie, I do not recognize her. Of course, I still struggle with some of the self-doubt and insecurity, but being here has given me confidence that I am not going out into adulthood unprepared. When I walk across the stage in two weeks exactly, I will know that God proved Himself to me over and over. Many times, I did not think that I would have enough money, or that I could absolutely not pass a class. Even now as I write, there are a plethora of fears in the back of my mind. But Christ is the calm. He has led me this far and my faith has been tested. I have failed a lot. I have made many wrong choices while I have been here. But if I would go through each mistake, I would see the lesson learned. Given the chance, there are a few things that I would change. A few friendships that I should have been more concerned about. A few more people I should have reached out to. I am leaving here with many lessons.
I am excited and nervous about the fall. As I have written before, my plans are to be back in SC in August to live, but there are many factors that need to be worked out before them. A job is the most important, and then we will need an apartment to open for us.
I am so lucky (or blessed, for those who are more spiritual) to have parents who have raised me towards independence, but also who will not let me live on the streets and starve. I want to make them proud and prove myself to them. My motivations towards living on my own tend to be rooted in pride. I don’t want to be dependent on my parents. I want them to be confident that they raised their first child well. Their encouragement to me has been invaluable while I have been stressing out at school, and a phone call with my dad is usually what can turn any day around.
I also always thought that I would be engaged by now. After all, my parents got married on graduation night! Before college, I didn’t really know that there was another way. People in churches often make the innocent mistake of telling new high school grads that college is the only place where there will be a ton of potential mates to choose from, and no doubt where they will meet their future spouse there. This so far has not proven true for me, at least not in the anticipated timeline. I am not engaged, I am not even dating. Circumstances have not allowed for that at the time. But would I want it any other way? Getting married right out of college may be right for some people, but when I honestly take a look at myself, I realize that I have a lot more to learn before I can give my life to someone else. I have experienced my most growth ever spiritually in the past 5 months. My attitude has turned around and I have grown in my love for people around me. I cannot imagine that I could have gone through all of this drastic change and been engaged. I struggle with selfishness and pride. Any man who would have looked at me and saw me fit to be a wife would have been crazy.
Okay enough self-bashing.
But honestly, this is a time of growing for me that would have been extremely difficult with another person. God has been showing me areas of selfishness and pride that I would not have wanted to take into a relationship. He has been softening my heart towards Him. I hope that soon He will give me my heart’s desire to have a family, but the timing for that is completely up to Him. I’m not stressed, I’m not worried. I am content in Him.
This summer will hopefully grow me more in the area of patience. For the first time in 6 years, I will not be working at Chick-fil-A. Yay! This summer will be completely different, as I go home and prepare to launch out on my own. I’ll be learning about insurance and taxes and all of the adult things.
Pray for me if you remember- finances are tight, stress is high, and the future is foggy, but my God is so big, so strong and so mighty and there’s nothing my God cannot do.