THE NIGHT BEFORE
10:30 pm - Take one Benadryl with water, or dry swallow if you’re feelin’ lucky. Your body has never much liked falling asleep and you tend to think and stress before bed so hey, use all the help you can.
12:15 pm - Get serious about falling asleep. Seriously. OH AND DON’T FORGET TO SET THOSE ALARMS, ABIGAIL.
5:25 am – First alarm goes off. Force yourself to get on your phone and get your brain going. These next 10 minutes are crucial to the success of your day. Scroll through Instagram. Realize that hardly anyone posts between 12:15 pm and 5:25 am. Switch to Facebook. IF I HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER POST ABOUT DONALD TRU---onto Snapchat.
5:35 am – Second alarm goes off. Second and LAST alarm. Stare up at your bunk ceiling. “Must I really do this every morning? Can’t I just eat less today and not do this?”
What to do in this situation (what works for me)
5:40 am- Throw on clothes, grab wristlet, earbuds, and Camelbak bottle. Fill with water and LOTS of ice (room temperature water in the morning makes me gag.)
5:50 am- Walk to the gym. It’s still very dark outside. The moon and stars are shining. This is a perfect time to think about all of those clown sightings in Greenville and about how there’s no public safety in sight and you forgot to grab your mace and ABIGAIL STOP THINKING YOU’RE GOING TO GET KIDNAPPED JUST GET TO THE GYM.
6:00 am- Arrive at the gym. Be sad that one person got there before you did.
6:01- 6:15 am - Focus on either core, legs, or arms.
6:15- 6:45 am- Cardio Fest. Usually the elliptical. Okay, always the elliptical. I have weak ankles, okay?
6:45- Snap your sweat-dripping forehead to all your friends who definitely do not care and head back for an amazing shower.
7:05 am- Congratulations. You are fully awake before almost everyone else on campus, and you have 2 hours before you have to be in class. Study, go to breakfast, go back to sleep, read, write on your blog, do whatever you want! You have already been productive.
So this is what I do every weekday morning. Sometimes I will get a Saturday work out in, but not normally. If you have any questions or tips for me, PLEASE email me at email@example.com! Thanks for reading :)
Have you ever gotten so deeply entrenched in something- maybe a friendship, hobby, job, relationship, social media, tv show, etc.- that you forgot to “look up?” Maybe one thing has been dominating your life for a while now, and without it you feel like you are stranded in the middle of the ocean. This one person or thing has become an anchor for you, something reliable that will always be there.
I am guilty of this on multiple levels. I choose a thing or person and shift my focus solely on them. Maybe on a small scale, like me, you have the familiar feeling of attempting to click “next episode” on Netflix, only to find that
“WHAT?! YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME. NO. IT CAN’T BE OVER. THEY CAN’T DO THIS TO ME. I CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT ANOTHER EPISODE. “
Your dependence on this one show has created an addiction, and when it is not provided anymore, there is “suffering.” (I experienced this with Parks and Recreation, and every time after I watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie- I’m actually supposed to be a pirate, just don’t tell my parents.)
Now. I totally understand that TV shows, on the broad scale of life, are not that important. But this same feeling of depravity after something is cut off or temporarily unavailable can be applied to our friendships/relationships. I have always been a one-best-friend type of person. Even though I do generally have a good number of friends, I am prone to pour all of my effort and energy into one individual. I tend to get jealous when they are with other people. I become dependent on their love. I want them to be dependent on me, also. I want them to think that I’m their ‘best friend “also. It’s selfish, I acknowledge it, and God has worked in my heart for many years over this reoccurring issue.
So what happens when you don’t have that person in your life anymore? I’ve lost many of those “best friends” over the years. Maybe we started to go in different directions, maybe there was an unresolved fight, etc. Each time a “best” friendship goes south, it has forced me to get outside of my box. I have to reconnect with those “lesser” friendships that I had neglected. I made that person my idol, and pushed all of my dependency onto them. Sometimes the relationship is salvageable, sometimes it’s not.
As good as it feels to have one person be your all, it is wrong. First of all, you limit the influence that comes into your life. Usually the people closest to me are people that agree with me. We will come to the same conclusions on most things, and they will have pretty much the same views on life and theology as me. Proverbs 13:30 talks about walking with the wise and BECOMING wise. This person is being effected by the people around them. She is choosing to be with more mature, wise believers and they are influencing and changing her. They are different than her, in a good way. She is actively growing, something that might not happen with her closest friend- the one that is very similar to her.
The second problem that will arise with one person being your all, is that you have put your trust in a human, who will ultimately fail you at one point or another. It is embarrassing how many times I have expected a best friend or boyfriend to have just the right words, or understand exactly how I am feeling. And time and time again, I am let down. Now this isn’t to say that they aren’t wonderful people, but… they are human. I have made the mistake of trusting someone to help me solve problems that they cannot POSSIBLY solve. God is the only one who I can consistently trust. Jeremiah 17:5 hits the nail on the head, “Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.” We cannot allow ourselves to put people in the place of God. He is righteously jealous, and has the power to remove things or people that are in His place.
One last thing. As a Christian (especially if you’re at a Christian college), there are many wonderful people that you don’t know yet. You can look at these people from a networking standpoint- we’re all here to get degrees, anyways- and you can also, and more importantly, look at them as members of the body of Christ. Christ is our Head, and as the church, we make up the body. We need each other, and in this case, dependency is good! God has gifted us with different spiritual gifts and all are needed for growth. If you just stick with your one friend, or maybe your tightly knit “squad”, you are neglecting other parts of the body. People you need. People who have had similar struggles in life and can help you. With Christ at the center, we are able to build each other up and sharpen each other.
I don’t want you to think that I’m saying having a best friend is bad (I have one!), and obviously, marriage is an incredibly deep relationship where God makes you one unit. I’m talking about those friendships or relationships that replace God. That do not make room for Him.
So let’s ask ourselves what boxes we have put ourselves in. What friendships have become controlling and all-encompassing. Am I pursuing God’s approval or my friends? Would I be okay if God took this person away from me? Where do I get my ultimate satisfaction in life? Is it Someone lasting?
“I am somewhat exhausted; I wonder how a battery feels when it pours electricity into a non-conductor?” ― Arthur Conan Doyle
I am struggling with the feeling of pointlessness- or, futility. Thus far, my last year in college has been my most difficult season. My grades are never the best, and my work is never “perfect” enough. The problem is, I really, really try. I read the chapters and research more online, and feel lost. I do the checklist and double and triple check, but become blind to the minute details, missing important things. So that leads me to the thinking of, “why?” Why am I trying so hard at things that I am never good enough at? Why not just give up? I look at others, and it seems to come so very easy to them. They remember things. They always have good time management. It “clicks” with them.
There is also the thought of praise. I crave praise and a pat on the back. I want to know that I did a good job, because I always (usually) work to do my best. But instead of praise for what I AM doing right, life appears to be geared towards the negative. The focus on the 10 bad, opposed to the 40 good.
Burnout comes easily when you don’t see results. When you’re pouring energy into something and the results don’t come quick enough... or seemingly, at all. I hate talking about feeling inadequate but hey, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to (:
So where is God in all of this? Well I know that He is sovereign and is in control of all things.
(2 Chronicles 20:6 ESV, “O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you.”)
I know that I have a plan and it may not be what God wants. Results may not come in the timing I feel the most comfortable with.
(Proverbs 19:21 ESV, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”)
I know that God has placed me where I am right now, and I need to be content. I know that because of sin, nothing I do will ever be perfect, and I am deeply flawed. It is my personal responsibility to do everything given to me to the best of my ability (1 Cor 10:31).
I understand that it isn’t “cool” to come across as feeling inadequate. Ten seconds on Instagram and I’m convinced that the friends and strangers that I follow don’t experience burnout or frustration. No, they are too busy having perfect fall outings with their perfect boyfriends, experiencing their perfect relationship.
Since I am writing this from a state of pensive sadness (don't worry mother, I promise I really am okay), I’m afraid there isn’t any happy ending to this post, at least that I can see yet. But hey, this is one day. I may ace my Economics test tomorrow!
Romans 8:26 ESV, Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I was supposed to work ahead in Corporate Finance last night. I really had good intentions.
But somehow Sarah and I ended up talking about why Millenials/ Gen Z-rs are so nitpicky about churches. Specifically, the music that a church has or how funny a preacher is. All around the world, kids my age secretly meet in house churches for fear of being arrested for their faith. We don't know that in America. Is it just me, or do we have the tendancy to not go to church for worship, but rather for social reasons? I get frustrated when the clock goes past 12 PM because obviously, that's the biblical time for a preacher to "land the plane." I did a lot of "church shopping" my freshman year and music and timeliness of the preacher were right up there with "is this guy using Scripture?" I'm surprised someone at my school hasn't come up with a personality quiz that matches you with a church. A silly thought, but how many of us want to stay in a church that doesn't seem to fit us? I want to get back to basics, and go to church not wanting to just take, but give my worship. After all, I was bought with a price.
But back to laziness.
Homework is officially pushed to tonight and tomorrow afternoon. My parents always made me take naps on Sunday afternoons, so my tendancy to want to sleep is still strong. But, I don't get that luxury anymore, since I'm a procrastinator by nature and don't allot myself time.
More to come. If I end this now, maybe there will be a nap :)