As many of you know, I went through a difficult breakup a little over a month ago. I have been thinking about what to write for the longest time- but I’ve needed to be away, just to heal. A year with someone creates very deep knits between souls, and the ripping apart is/was something unlike I had ever experienced. But back to the blog. Different subjects danced through my mind- the election, personal struggles with racial tension, friendships, etc., but I was very unsure about writing about the breakup because I know that his family reads this, and I do not intend for this to be in any way hurtful.
So this is not about him. *sigh of relief*
This is about what I have learned through it, and how I have grown.
I have been given amazing roommates this year. Taylor and Katherine are some of the sweetest girls I have ever met. When I walk into my room, it’s like coming home. I’m always welcomed with a smile and “I missed you! How was your day?” For the majority of the semester (i.e., while I was dating), I have not felt very engaged in the love that was shared with me in the room. I kind of like being by myself and having a “lone ranger” attitude when it comes to roommates. I let them be kind and sweet to me, but I found that it was very hard to be that back. I blamed it on my north-east mind set. “I don’t really have to be genuinely nice to the people around me because back in Delaware, people just ignore each other.” I would feel almost offended when people I didn’t know would talk to me on campus. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone, didn’t talk to the girls in my society, and just generally tried to take from people. I wasn’t interested in cultivating and growing friendships around me because, hey… it’s my last year to be in this place, so I just will be content with my boyfriend and best friend and call it a day. Those were the two friendships I wanted around me, so I just kind of blew off everyone else.
But God gives and God takes away. And God took away what was dear to me, and what I had placed my security in. And no matter how angry I got at Him and no matter how much I cried that it wasn’t fair, God knew best. And deep down, I knew it needed to happen. I knew it wasn’t right. But I had been so lazily content. I didn’t have to trust God anymore because we had worked out the future, and I was just going to get married like everyone else and that would be it. I let security paint over doubts and stuffed hard questions into the deep drawers of my mind. I loved the idea of love and being loved. I didn’t pray about the problems because I didn’t want things to change.
But with the heartbreak came growth. As much as I love my best friend Sarah, she couldn’t take all my grief by herself. She helped a lot, but I knew that I needed to reach out to people again. Talk to others around me. Smile at people. Give up the hard exterior that was my protection. Let myself be vulnerable to be loved again, not by just a boy, but people and friends in general.
So this is hopefully the start of something better, the start of a fresh Abbie who is letting God work in her. If you know me, please help me in this journey. Loving people like Christ loves me is sometimes a struggle for me. Please forgive me if I have hurt you in the past, or have been insensitive. I am a work in progress.
“When you discipline a man with rebukes for sin,
you consume like a moth what is dear to him;
surely all mankind is a mere breath! Selah”