“I am somewhat exhausted; I wonder how a battery feels when it pours electricity into a non-conductor?” ― Arthur Conan Doyle
I am struggling with the feeling of pointlessness- or, futility. Thus far, my last year in college has been my most difficult season. My grades are never the best, and my work is never “perfect” enough. The problem is, I really, really try. I read the chapters and research more online, and feel lost. I do the checklist and double and triple check, but become blind to the minute details, missing important things. So that leads me to the thinking of, “why?” Why am I trying so hard at things that I am never good enough at? Why not just give up? I look at others, and it seems to come so very easy to them. They remember things. They always have good time management. It “clicks” with them.
There is also the thought of praise. I crave praise and a pat on the back. I want to know that I did a good job, because I always (usually) work to do my best. But instead of praise for what I AM doing right, life appears to be geared towards the negative. The focus on the 10 bad, opposed to the 40 good.
Burnout comes easily when you don’t see results. When you’re pouring energy into something and the results don’t come quick enough... or seemingly, at all. I hate talking about feeling inadequate but hey, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to (:
So where is God in all of this? Well I know that He is sovereign and is in control of all things.
(2 Chronicles 20:6 ESV, “O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you.”)
I know that I have a plan and it may not be what God wants. Results may not come in the timing I feel the most comfortable with.
(Proverbs 19:21 ESV, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”)
I know that God has placed me where I am right now, and I need to be content. I know that because of sin, nothing I do will ever be perfect, and I am deeply flawed. It is my personal responsibility to do everything given to me to the best of my ability (1 Cor 10:31).
I understand that it isn’t “cool” to come across as feeling inadequate. Ten seconds on Instagram and I’m convinced that the friends and strangers that I follow don’t experience burnout or frustration. No, they are too busy having perfect fall outings with their perfect boyfriends, experiencing their perfect relationship.
Since I am writing this from a state of pensive sadness (don't worry mother, I promise I really am okay), I’m afraid there isn’t any happy ending to this post, at least that I can see yet. But hey, this is one day. I may ace my Economics test tomorrow!
Romans 8:26 ESV, Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.