The place was gorgeous. I realized that the furnishings wouldn’t come with the apartment, but I could already envision a beat-up $75 couch that we would find at Goodwill. Tay bounced into the kitchen and checked the cabinet depth.
“Oh my GOODNESS, I could fit SO much in here!”
“Taylor… we don’t even have one plate yet...”
“Okay I know, but can you imagine it?!”
“Yeah girl. It’s gonna be awesome.”
I could, and I did imagine it. I would finally have all of the independence that I craved since I was 15. I would set my own guidelines, aside from BJU or my parents. The thought of being on my own, 12 hours from my parents terrified me to pieces, but I was excited to do something scary and leap out into the black ocean of adulthood. My mind worked out all the details obsessively, often during class. I would try to work a little more…while trying to pass accounting… while saving up money to pay for not only rent but also my school bill…but also scrounge up money the two classes I had to take right after I walked in May… and not to mention I had to find a job in Greenville…
Impossible. But it would all work out in the end though, right? Because I wanted it bad enough. I wanted the independence. Honestly, going home and living with my parents hurts my pride. I feel like I should have everything figured out. Going back into a family unit makes me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be one of those kids who had to come home. But the need to exhibit fierce independence and “prove myself” to my parents and friends didn’t mix with the facts- I did not have enough money for my dream. I have always struggled with being logical and not emotional about things- it’s a Witmer weakness. So even while Taylor and I looked through what seemed like the perfect apartment, there was that small nagging in my head that I would not get this complete independence just yet. This would have to wait.
But like most wisdom that pops into my mind, I pushed it down and silenced it. I wouldn’t stop fighting until the very end of this thing. Taylor and I would find jobs in the area and FORCE it to work and it would all be rainbows and sunshine…
And then, I was rerouted. This tends to happen to me a lot. My major (I did not pass my interior design check my sophomore year), relationships, health (I was diagnosed with PCOS two summers ago), friendships, and now, my future roommate for summer. After hearing wisdom from her parents, she had decided that she needed to go home to take a breather from graduation and orient herself to life after college.
But unlike the other routes that I’ve been forced to take in life, this one was shocking and peaceful at the same time. I had silenced the thought of coming home, but then it became my only option. Suddenly, most of the things that I had stressed about seemed to be a lot easier. I would be able to put my money to finishing my two online classes, which honestly needed to be my 1st priority over paying rent. I wouldn’t have to stress about a down payment or a job in Greenville right away.
Also, the thought of being able to spend one more summer with my family was kinda awesome. My family is fantastic. I miss Emma’s curls and Ellie’s piano playing and Daniel’s deep thoughts and Andrew… well I see that boy on campus all of the time, but I miss being able to chill in my room and watching movies with him on a Sunday night. I miss my Mother. She’s like a safe space. I think I could say the craziest things to her and she wouldn’t even flinch. I texted her the other day and told her that the stuffy faculty women here made me miss her sweet spirit. Finally, I miss my dad. I don’t know if anyone can ever understand me as much as my dad does. Even though I know we will struggle with the dynamics of me coming home for the summer, I have never felt like someone was as “for me” as he is. I crave his wisdom, and I need more of it before being able to launch out. I also miss Lighthouse. Even though I have a fantastic church here (Heritage Bible Church), there is something very special about your home church, especially when you’re a PK. I miss the support and love that I find back home. I miss my best friend, Jane, and the amazing times we have together.
I really do not like Delaware. But it gets me for another summer. I will not be returning back to Chick-fil-A for various reasons, but instead will be looking for something temporary. I plan on returning back to Greenville by very late August, and finding a roommate then.
I am so thankful that God intervenes and reroutes us, even when we are so sure we are on the right path. He constantly reminds me that His ways are better, and that I really do not have it all figured out.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.” – Isaiah 55:8
As much as I want to profusely apologize for not writing for so long (something I would always do in my childhood diaries after neglecting them), I would be lying. Apologizing would imply that I meant to write and I never did. But the truth is that I intentionally haven’t written. I have not been ready. I was in a period of healing and a period of flinging myself on God’s promise of faithfulness.
The report is this. In the middle of the turmoil that my soul was going through, God proved Himself to be more faithful than a brother (Prov 18:24). When I cast my hurt and sin and insecurity on Christ, I did not find the rejection of man but the mercy and love of Jesus. When it seemed that everything I was trusting in was taken, I realized that truly, all I had was Christ. I discovered in a new way the sufficiency of God and what that really means to me (2 Cor 12:9). I was confronted with the ugly reality that I was placing my security on what someone would tell me (“you’re funny, smart, beautiful”, etc.), instead of staring at what Jesus is. My identity because synonymous with a relationship, and not with my identity in Christ (Gal 3:27).
I have thanked God countless times for bringing me low. I don’t think I could ever describe the hurt that I felt in the breakup. It was like nerves in my body that I didn’t even know I had lit up in red-hot pain. My heart was set on fire with pitiful agony. My mind went to dark places that I had visited since high school, before my salvation. But if I wouldn’t have been so broken, I would not have realized what I had become. I was mean. Angry. Frustrated. Without peace. That’s what happens when you rely on yourself and people. You cannot live a victorious Christian life as God intended- there is no dependency on Him. Christ is not fickle like us. His love is not there one day and gone the next. He was there the whole time, even if I had not been giving Him room to work in my life. He took my broken heart and filled the cracks with Himself- where He should have been in the first place.
So, four months later, there seems to be respite. I am graduating college (eeek!), looking for a job in Greenville, touring apartments, building my relationships with people, taking risks, and even (slowly) talking to someone. I’m going into this new phase of life with several lessons, the biggest one being that if I try to replace God with someone/thing else, I will not possibly be satisfied or happy. People fail us. We cannot expect them to fulfil us- it is unfair to give that burden to them. My life is currently a potent cocktail of stress and excitement. Money is scarce and my dreams are not. I am excited that I am making my faith my own. College has grown my faith tremendously, which is something that I do not believe would have happened if I was at home. Home is easy and safe, and it can be hard to grow in that kind of environment. My parents are amazing and loving and take care of me. They taught me that prayer is just as an important commodity as money is. But as of right now, the plans are to not return home after I walk in May. We all know Andrew is the favorite anyways, so I know mother will be okay (;
If you happen to pray for me, there are some requests:
*That I would do well in my last semester academically
*That I would not pull back into my shell, but I would show God’s love to those around me
*That I would find a job in the Greenville area quickly
*That God would provide needed funds
*That God would tune my heart with His concerning my decisions
*That I would stay faithful to reading the Word and prayer